I found myself browsing through my Instagram feed and smiling profusely at a friend's pictures with her partner away on vacation.
Beautiful selfies, portraying undevoted love. Image after image of smiles, hugs and doting looks. And I smiled, and smiled, and then smiled some more.
But at the end of this beautiful picturesque journey, I noticed that there was a pang in my heart. I noticed this uneasy feeling that dare I admit to myself? Can I be THAT person? Can I really be that petty and be envious of their happiness?
I found myself pitying myself and reflecting on my relationship with my partner. And whether I liked to admit it or not, a part of me wanted that raw declaration of love.
Not just the declaration, but I craved to be in that state of happiness, that state of peace in my relationship. I craved for the easy days, where the only worry I had was choosing which picture I had to post on my Instagram.
I know, I sound silly, immature even, for reflecting on my life on the sole basis of someone else's 'Instagram Happiness'. But the sad part of the story is that I never had that. I skipped immature and silly by force, not by choice. I dived, head first in uneasy waves of difficulties, and while I not only survived the storms, but came out stronger, I can't help but notice lately, that I am left with a big void in my life that was deprived, of that silly and immature force of happiness.
So now, I sit and I reflect on my life, on what is missing, on what needs fixing. Why? All because I deprived my self the right to feel to avoid my feelings. And now, my friend's innocent display of happiness on Instagram triggered a wave of emotions and insecurities, that I thought I had long buried, that I thought were long forgotten.
So now, I am on a quest, to finding me again. To finding my inner peace. To finding my inner happiness. And yes, it is cheesy and it is all so very cliché, but that's my new and sole mission, calling it, The Rediscovery of Haneen.
Beautiful selfies, portraying undevoted love. Image after image of smiles, hugs and doting looks. And I smiled, and smiled, and then smiled some more.
But at the end of this beautiful picturesque journey, I noticed that there was a pang in my heart. I noticed this uneasy feeling that dare I admit to myself? Can I be THAT person? Can I really be that petty and be envious of their happiness?
I found myself pitying myself and reflecting on my relationship with my partner. And whether I liked to admit it or not, a part of me wanted that raw declaration of love.
Not just the declaration, but I craved to be in that state of happiness, that state of peace in my relationship. I craved for the easy days, where the only worry I had was choosing which picture I had to post on my Instagram.
I know, I sound silly, immature even, for reflecting on my life on the sole basis of someone else's 'Instagram Happiness'. But the sad part of the story is that I never had that. I skipped immature and silly by force, not by choice. I dived, head first in uneasy waves of difficulties, and while I not only survived the storms, but came out stronger, I can't help but notice lately, that I am left with a big void in my life that was deprived, of that silly and immature force of happiness.
So now, I sit and I reflect on my life, on what is missing, on what needs fixing. Why? All because I deprived my self the right to feel to avoid my feelings. And now, my friend's innocent display of happiness on Instagram triggered a wave of emotions and insecurities, that I thought I had long buried, that I thought were long forgotten.
So now, I am on a quest, to finding me again. To finding my inner peace. To finding my inner happiness. And yes, it is cheesy and it is all so very cliché, but that's my new and sole mission, calling it, The Rediscovery of Haneen.
