Overthinking by the Sea

Sitting alone, in my car, by the sea:

Did I overreact? Or did he? 

Sitting alone, in my car, by the sea:

Thinking whether I should be upset with my friends? Or find a reason not to be?

Sitting alone, in my car, by the sea:

Is my mom upset with me? I left her all alone in the kitchen, preparing lunch for the family while I go out to have coffee?

Sitting alone, in my car, by the sea:

Why do I go silent when we quarrel? My brain automatically switches off and no signal transmission to feel?

Sitting alone, in my car, by the sea:

But I am upset with my friends. I asked for help and no one replied. Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe this was intended to be.

Sitting alone, in my car, by the sea:

What a beautiful day it is today. Car window half cracked open, breeze coming through, sun shining so warmly on the left half of my face, making me want to dissappear into the vastness of the sea.

Sitting alone, in my car, by the sea:

Why did he react so strongly? We just got up and left? Was is it worth to ruin a beautiful day unnecessarily?

Sitting alone, in my car, by the sea:

I wish I could just mute my brain for a few minutes. Not think of anything. Not worry about anything. Not feel anything but the joy and beauty of the view infront of me.

Sitting alone, in my car, by the sea:

Will he be reading this anytime soon? And when he does? What will he think about today and the silent quarrel between him and me? 

Sitting alone, in my car and overthinking by the sea; tomorrow, a new day. Tomorrow, new worries to think of; tomorrow, a new me.

My poor me

This poor heart and all the hurt it sustained
...
This poor brain and all the memories that remain...
This poor body and how much it has been drained...
This poor soul, remains tormented but strives to rise above all the pain...

من امثالنا الشعبية...

مشيت للبحر نشكي من كبر هبالي .. حتى البحر وخّر ووجعه حالي

A New Year Resolution

I want to have so much fun that checking my phone and being online are the last thing on my mind...

I look at you, I look at me

I look at you
I look at me
And think of all the dreams that could have been

I look at you
I look at me
And say goodbye to all the things that made me leave

I look at you
I look at me
As we part ways and move on to a future I can't forsee

I look at you
I look at me
One last time before I say, bye bye baby, it breaks my heart that we could never be...

When a Woman Loves a Man

Michael Bolton sings, 

When a man loves a woman, 
He'd trade the world, 
For a good thing he's found

But, no one is singing about when a woman loves a man...How she would turn her whole life around...

People often say that love, and relationships require 'compromise' ... and it is always unofficially and silently insinuated that the woman will be the one compromising...

And it got me thinking... 

When a woman loves a man, she inherently compromises on her own being...she no longer belongs to herself, but to 'him'... I am not sure if it is society, novels, movies or media in general that has ingrained this notion and definition in every love-stricken girl...but wanting to 'belong to him', to be 'his' is what we all dreamed of at one point of our lives...and damn does it make you want to scream for joy when he utters those three almost lethal words 'you are mine' ... 


But what does that say about me? about every girl that was someone's 'belonging'? A part of me sees the romance in this self centred possessive love...a part of me relates...a part of me also wants to belong to feel 'complete'...

But on the other hand...another part of me is repulsed by the idea that I belong to a man...that a man thinks my being, my love, my feelings are part of his life inheritance...a part of me wants to scream and say 'go to hell you misogynist' ... 

And here I am stuck...between, well, me, myself and I... 

Not knowing which side I should be on...

My brain says NO, but my heart says YES

My brain says, you are complete, you belong to yourself, you do not need a man to complete you...

My heart says, ohhh, how romantic...how sexy that he wants me to be his...

And here I am, stuck again...between me, myself and I...

And, it got me thinking again...

In an effort to please my heart, my brain compromises... and in an effort to please my brain, my heart compromises... and where do I stand? No neutral ground on this one...but if anything...when a woman loves a man...she un loves what she loves for him, and learns to love what he hates for him... Hell she even adopts his culture and changes her religion for him... 

So when a woman truly loves a man. .. she not only compromises, but she looses both, her heart and her brain to 'him'...

'Instagram Happiness'

I found myself browsing through my Instagram feed and smiling profusely at a friend's pictures with her partner away on vacation.

Beautiful selfies, portraying undevoted love. Image after image of smiles, hugs and doting looks. And I smiled, and smiled, and then smiled some more.

But at the end of this beautiful picturesque journey, I noticed that there was a pang in my heart. I noticed this uneasy feeling that dare I admit to myself? Can I be THAT person? Can I really be that petty and be envious of their happiness?

I found myself pitying myself and reflecting on my relationship with my partner. And whether I liked to admit it or not, a part of me wanted that raw declaration of love.

Not just the declaration, but I craved to be in that state of happiness, that state of peace in my relationship. I craved for the easy days, where the only worry I had was choosing which picture I had to post on my Instagram.

I know, I sound silly, immature even, for reflecting on my life on the sole basis of someone else's 'Instagram Happiness'. But the sad part of the story is that I never had that. I skipped immature and silly by force, not by choice. I dived, head first in uneasy waves of difficulties, and while I not only survived the storms, but came out stronger, I can't help but notice lately, that I am left with a big void in my life that was deprived, of that silly and immature force of happiness.

So now, I sit and I reflect on my life, on what is missing, on what needs fixing. Why? All because I deprived my self the right to feel to avoid my feelings. And now, my friend's innocent display of happiness on Instagram triggered a wave of emotions and insecurities, that I thought I had long buried, that I thought were long forgotten.

So now, I am on a quest, to finding me again. To finding my inner peace. To finding my inner happiness. And yes, it is cheesy and it is all so very cliché, but that's my new and sole mission, calling it, The Rediscovery of Haneen.